So... I guess it's over between them. That makes me really sad... I really care about her. And it hurts to see that she's in so much pain, and I know I can't make it any better.

How could he do that to her?

It's just not right..

Please let this work out.

Please.

So that was totally pointless.

Our Law Tutorial today was held in the Library... because our TA thought it'd be a good idea for us to attend a "writing workshop".

Except when we walked in, Michelle and I realized that we had already had this presentation. Last week.  And I had thought it pointless THEN.

Now, it was just plain torture.

Everything they said was so basic... I learned all this years ago, thanks.

It was awful..

And it wasn't even like... it's good to go over it again. It was just POINTLESS.

Blah.

So much for my carefully-planned agenda.

I guess I really haven't changed.

I have three essays due next Wednesday/Thursday, and I've barely started them.

This is so not good. So not good.

No matter how good I am at writing essays... this is still bad.

Today is Friday.

I had my Psych midterm this morning. I did fairly well on it, I think, although I know I messed up on at least one question.

I'll survive that.

Megan went home for the weekend, though. And Sarah is away with her church friends... she said she'd be back tonight, but then she just texted me and said she was staying overnight at a hotel. And Karen's boyfriend is here for the weekend.

Erica is at Ottawa U, and Caitlin went home.

So it's just me.

I was talking to Nathan the other day. He's been saying "I miss you" and "I love you" a lot. I took it in the friend way.

But then last night he said something to me that changed that. He told me that he felt like him and I were meant to be together. He felt like... there was no point in dating other girls, because he knew deep down he was going to be with me in the end, anyway.

And it hit me that when he said "I love you", he really meant it.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Winter is coming. The days are getting shorter.

Oh my goodness.

Psych midterm tomorrow.

And a good friend of mine likes the guy I like. Oh, drama, drama. Go die, drama. Why did this have to happen?

How am I going to pull this off?

I have never studied this hard for a test in my life.

And yet I've never felt more unprepared.

I had another nightmare.

But I think this one was justified.

We watched The Grudge last night before bed.

Getting out of bed this morning was really hard.

Back in res now.

Soo tired. Ughhh my arrrrms. I can barely type.

Please, don't say things if you don't mean them.

It gets my hopes up.

And lately, when it comes to hope... I'm running low on it.

I just want somebody to care.

I want to cry.

I just screwed myself over so badly.

I came home this weekend so I could study and do my Critical Reading Journal. To do my CRJ, I need to get articles from our Library (online).

To get these articles, I have to prove I'm a student and log in, because I'm off campus.

To log in, I need the barcode number off my student card.

To prevent myself from forgetting it at home, I left my student card in my room in res.

FUCK.

What am I going to do?! The CRJ is due on Tuesday! I'm going back on Monday... that won't give me enough time to do it.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

What am I going to do?

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck..!

I emailed Michelle (friend in that class) and asked her to send the article to me, but she's working on a political science essay so who knows when she'll check her email?

Oh fuck.

Why do I keep having nightmares?

I had a nightmare last night.

The kind where you wake up terrified, and not even sure why.

And then of course I couldn't get back to sleep.

I can't remember what happened.

I never used to have nightmares.

I sleep in the hopes of having a dream that's better than this.

You know it's bad when I have to bribe myself to go to class. Well, not really a class. A tutorial. Which is basically... a discussion group, where you talk about what happened last class, and do stupid activities that supposedly help you learn things. Bullshit. But I digress!

What happened to my self-control?

Ugh.

Instead of "You WILL go to your Human Rights tutorial," I tell myself, "If you go to your Human Rights tutorial, you can have a nanaimo bar from Starbucks."

See that's my new plan. The old one ("because you should go to the tutorials") didn't work very well.

I have recently discovered that Starbucks has the most amazing nanaimo bars of life. So I'm telling myself if I go to ALL MY CLASSES this week, I'll go buy myself a nanaimo bar.

And I really, really want that nanaimo bar.

Sarah and I went running (well - walking/jogging)  at the field house on Monday. We're going again tonight.

We're determined to get into shape, damnit.

So how about -- if I go to the field house at least once a week, and go to all my classes, I'll buy myself a nanaimo bar.

Mmm. Now that's motivation!

Yeah, it's fun and all, but it gets kind of lonely, you know?

That's the biggest problem I have with it.

That's the hardest part of it.

You wouldn't think you'd get lonely, being surrounded by so many people... but you do.

I miss that closeness I had with all my Cobourg friends, and with my family. I miss my friends at work.

I want to go back to bed. I don't want to go to Law.

I want to lose myself in a good book, or a good movie.

Breathe.

It's not the end of the world. I'll be fine.

It's cold.

I dislike the cold.

My air vent thing is still blowing out cold air.

This is not good.

Luckily, I foresaw a situation like this.

I packed a hot water bottle :)

I guess this is the depression they warn parents about. When the novelty wears off, and all that.

But it's not that, really... it's not that the novelty has worn off...

It's other things.

Things like how Alex is going to be dating Casey.

And how Brent hasn't said anything since we hung out on Thursday. Maybe it was just me, but I thought we had fun. I thought we were going to be friends.

Did he just decide that I'm not cool enough? Not smart enough, pretty enough, or what?

It's just that this is coming at a really bad time.

I mean first it's Chad. He thinks I'm "really nice and all" but he's seeing somebody else.

And now Alex! He smiles at me, says hi, has fun hanging out with me... but he's going to date Casey.

And now Brent has dropped off the face of the earth.

I'm just taking a serious blow to my already fragile ego.

So I wrote "Please do not disturb." on my whiteboard on my door so I can cry my eyes out all evening without worrying about someone knocking on my door and seeing me a mess. Because then you have to explain and endure the pitying looks and I just don't want to go there.

Fuck.

So Shaughna and Megan stopped by.

Shaughna looked at me and said "If you're going to go out... try to stay away from Jamie. He was talking about you."

That's... scary.

I caught a glimpse of Jamie earlier today -- and then I ran for the elevators.

I don't want to see him. He really did scare me that night. He was too close, despite his assurances that his intentions were nothing but friendly.

And when I asked him to back off, or when I went to dance with someone else, he got so mad.

It scared me.

So finding out that he randomly talks about me when I'm not even there and says I'm sexy ... it makes me nervous.

I'm just... I want to avoid him.

Hungry.
 Craving kraft dinner but rice will have to do... :(

Making rice at 1:30 am why?

Hungry... ugh.